Motown.

Absolutely, positively was gonna stop there.  No more really need be said. 

When I walked away to take a shower, though, I started thinking about church choir and I do not know, "Why?"  I remembered that I really did enjoy the singing, but I also thought that choir, and the Boy Scouts, both connected to church, were the only places outside of school that I received any support, instruction, or praise.

I really think it was the praise that did it.  Until I left music, for alcohol and drugs, I was a very very good singer and every one of my music teachers expected some successful future for me in the world of music.  One teacher even got me accepted to a music high school, which I was never able to attend. 

All of this attention, support and praise was also centered around the things that I did and not focused on me personally.  I knew this as a teenager, and I think knowing that it was just the singing, or just the Bible classes, or just the merit badges that made me popular, made me even angrier sometimes.  As long as I performed and behaved in a certain way -- everything was okay and when I didn't I was bad.

That's a standard that doesn't change much isn't it?

I still love to sing though, but I can't even read music anymore. 

And what I sing is mostly: Motown!!

Myself.

When I think of the Biblical admonition to "Love others as I love myself," I almost always see my part of the problem as not loving myself enough.  I often hear voices in my own head saying things to myself that I would never ever say to another person.

The struggle of my whole life has been to accept and love these voices, while at the same time not giving them any power.  As the voices within me grow more positive, I find myself loving others more easily because love flows through me without resistance, doubt, or fear.  I begin to see others as I see myself and when I see myself more compassionately, I am more compassionate to every one else.

And naturally . . . more loving.

More patience and greater love for myself and for Others.

To "Just do it!"

I need to stop thinking about what to do, how to do it, and what might happen when I do it, and "Just do it!"  Before my first marriage and MY earlier children, I was the guy who just did things.  I never worried once about what to do, or how to do it.  I just did whatever I wanted and I seemed to get along okay in the world.  I had problems, and some of those problems were BAD, but I got things done.

Now I seem frozen.  I take hundreds of baby-steps toward doing something; I get the tools; I get the materials; I set up the processes, but I never actually start.

I sit around wondering, What's wrong with me? instead of just crashing forward.  I am re-reading Compassion and Self-Hate: An Alternative to Despair by Dr. Theodore Isaac Rubin.  Rubin says that all negativity toward the self is self-hate.  I know that I am wallowing in self-hate and beating myself up for wallowing in it, but I have been damned poor at getting myself out of the downward-spiral lately.

I hate it when Other people encourage me and I hate my own self-talk: Positive, or negative.  I see all of the Voices, inside and out, as trying to fix me, and inwardly I am cringing at, and rebelling against being fixed, or even, being in need of fixing.  I can be as stupid and negative as I wanna be and still be loving and worthy of love.

Fuck everyone, myself included, who says, or implies otherwise.  You don't get a vote!  I'm fucked-up and that's fucking marvelous.  Leave me the fuck alone and quit trying to fix me, or to make me over into something, or someone else.

There is no standard for love, or for loving.

I tell myself that I am not a hateful person and I believe that I am not a hateful person, but hearing, even the good, in my head, seems to anger me.  I know that the Voice that is responding today is a childhood Voice that was not recognized, or respected, or loved, but I know also that this Voice is real and strong and eminent.

I hate fighting for control with that Little Fucking Kid, but I also know that the Kid takes control now and then and when He ain't treated right, He gets out-of-control and throws tantrums.  I have been so long without a tantrum, and so afraid of having a tantrum, that I am beginning to think that maybe not having tantrums, occasionally, is unnatural for me.  Maybe I am a tantrum-having-machine that needs to throw a fit every once in a while to feel happy, normal, and relieved.

Where does all that fit in with self-hate?

No one else is trying to fix me, or to change me.  The only Voices here, are the ones inside my own head and positive, or negative, those Voices are still not uplifting, encouraging, and nourishing.  Those Voices are not unconditionally positive, affirmative, and filled with comfort, support, and nurturing.

I gotta get some better self-talk.  Now is that a nurturing comment -- after all that?

So often I hear about nurturing my inner-child and that child is always described as this free-love hippie child who just wants to have FUN and to be loved.

I know that I have a child like that inside; I communcate with him/her all the tim, but I have another inner-child as well . . .

I have an inner-child who was badly abused and survived, who stood-up and came back over, and over, and over again.  I have an inner-child who never quit, despite overwhelming odds that would have sobered any Marine.

He is a tough, mean, little mother-fucker, excuse MY language, that no one is ever gonna beat, or take advantage of again.  He is not reasonable about ANY standard of abuse.  He allows no exceptions, no matter how slight, matter-of-fact, sometimes, IF He even thinks someone might possibly abuse Him, or take advantage of Him, He throws out the first punch.  He is a kick-ass little fucker who is no longer permitted to be out-of-control.  His survival is JOB one.

But once his survival-needs are met . . .

He is also infinitely patient, accepting, and supportive.  He is a crystal-clear pool of love without a bottom.  He regular risked His life to save, or to help Others.  He found ways to feed and to shelter Hisself and His siblings before He was old enough  to go to skol.  He is tenacious, long-suffering, and noble without measure.  He is curious, insightful and sensitive.  He lives in compassion.  He is generous; He gives everything away without thought to His own needs.

Because He is no longer needy, so He has the luxury to do these things.

Okay, Diana Ross earworm, but I have the pronouns all messed-up.

Touch Me in the Morning originally had the author saying, "Wasn't it me who said, nothing good's gonna last forever."  I been walking around three, or four days now with "wasn't it YOU who said, nothing good's gonna last forever."

Does this mean that I can't accept responsibility, even in my earworms?

And who don't love Diana Ross, although for my money, I got to go with Donna Summer.

Like Ted, I do not acknowledge any control, or authority, over me, other than my own, and I have the scars from the broken chains to prove it.. 

IF there is a Higher Power, or a God, IF you prefer, and I do not use the G-word lightly, She will accept me truly as I am and She has already given me all the tools and choice that I need to be whatever I choose.

Having said all of that, I know that I have a very deep interior need to be a peacemaker.

At a guided meditation about ten years ago, WE were asked to go deep inside quietly and ask OUR-Selves what OUR divine purpose was.  I do believe in the divine, so I did this exercise quite seriously. 

I always participate seriously and fully when I choose to join in.

As I lay on the mat quietly, breathing slowly, a man appeared in my imagination and told me that he had already answered that question for me in a strip-cell in North Carolina.  "You are a peacemaker, RicH and you've known it all along."

Even my spiritual self-talk is bossy.

But this morning, I had the perfect opportunity to practice my peacemaking skills with my wife.  Before I was even out of bed, she was nagging me.  She is overwhelmed at work and instead of mentioning that to her boss, who indeed may not do anything, she is taking her stress out on herself.  So whatever she said to me this morning, I responded with that line from the movie Shrek, "Shut it Donkey!"  In what, I might add, was a very supportive, gentle, and jovial tone.

The Missus did not go ballistic, but she did not get the joke either.  turns out she does not want to be called a "donkey."  She is actually not a donkey, she says.

Sometimes there is no teasing.

Whoa, we're a little tense, aren't we? I think, but discretion being the only part of valor that I partake of anymore, I do not say this out loud.

Later though, when we are downstairs having our breakfast tea, I put my arms around her and apologize for calling her a donkey, even though she is acting like one, which I again keep to myself.  I also tell her that I love her and that I know that she is stressed at work.  I offer to help anyway that I can and I remind her that she ought to be safe from giant jackasses calling her names at home.

That's a joke she got

I'd like to know what "recurring theme" ALL of YOU have seen in me "over the past few months."  Be as open and frank as you wanna be and I will work hard to address your kind assistance with loving acceptance and contemplation.

When in doubt: Love more!!

What it is, is what it is.

There is no right Path.  Only the Path that is no Path.



I genuinely hate to spew philosophical bullshit, I almost said, "Drivel," like the obvious double-talk above, but I am still learning and need to remind MY-Self of what I already deeply know and understand.  It is what it is, MY Brother.  You Sisters, too.

I also hate to leave something like: It is what it is, without preamble, or explanation; I think this is partially growing pains on my part, but I also have a deep and abiding desire to make my statement look like something anyone can easily achieve.

Even though I did not achieve it easily, or through Others.

Making a distinction between the earth and the world here: I would say to the world, "Wake up!!"  To the earth I would say, "We're sorry.  Can you teach us to heal you?"

Movement.

I am starting to move and I am keeping moving.  No more resting on my laurels.

Akron, OhiO is the simple answer to Siona's question.  I would not burden innocent questioners with the Truth until I knew that THEY would be okay.  Handling the Truth and living in the Light is not easy.  Loving and living in love is not for sissies.

NO offence to sissies: I am a BIG sissy myself sometimes.

But here at Gaia, I am committed to being my open genuine self and that requires me to say that one day I awoke in a concentration camp in Akron, OhiO being beaten and otherwise abused in every way imaginable.  It was truly horrible.

Very soon, I realized that I could help Others even in my own miserable condition and I set out to change things.  Slowly, I changed the guards at the concentration camp, and I made life easier for myself and for MY  fellow prisoners.  Strength erodes pain.

Love is always stronger than fear and hatred.

Got two: I will never regret again, being discharged as a 1-O Conscientious Objector after refusing to go to Vietnam, or my divorce, which resulted in never seeing MY elder children again.  Not seeing them hurts every day, but . . .

I've already spent too much time in regret.  Regret should be called "Regret City;" it is that strong of a place.  Pain and regret have geographies, biographies, and histories.

I can go there to visit, observe and record, so that I might use their information, but I am no longer going there and making myself comfortable.

Kissing, or a damned good shepherd's pie: Yes, shepherd's pie and kisses can both be vegetarian, all-natural, and organic, as well.

Kisses to you all and IF ya wanna stop by and have shepherd's pie and the best damned biscuits that you ever ate, stop on by, but please call first.