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abundance
November 2009 
What do you have the hardest time giving?
Posted on Jan 5th, 2009
by 
TextMage
TextMage
This is in Response to the Questions and Reflections for January 05, 2009:
"Love," sprang immediately to mind. Then I thought, WOW!! RicHie, you are like a river of love, Man. You are a mother-HUG-ging love tsunami, MY Brother. You been a little love -machine ALL of your life, MY good and loving Friend!!
The second thought made me doubt the first, which is sort of the story of my life.
Also, I knew that there was no defensiveness in my second thought and that both thoughts were valid, real, and true. The Little Voices inside my head seemed to be in a real quandary. So I paused, which is what I always do when I doubt.
When in doubt, wait it out! Musta learned that one in Marine Corps leadership school. Or it could have to do with power tools!
Then I thought, Love is hard to give because most people have such a hard time accepting love, especially from a throwback such as MY-Self.
Then . . . just like in junior high skol, I thought, Perhaps, IF I were one of the popular ones, or one of the dainty ones, or one of the Other ones, giving love would be easy for me too, and maybe, just maybe, people would love me too, Doggonnit.
Then I read the posts here and I saw that a great many people just have trouble accepting love no matter where it comes from. Does that mean that Gaia is the "Real World," or that Gaia is just like junior high skol?
Or maybe . . . the whole World WE got now is just like junior high skol?
The second thought made me doubt the first, which is sort of the story of my life.
Also, I knew that there was no defensiveness in my second thought and that both thoughts were valid, real, and true. The Little Voices inside my head seemed to be in a real quandary. So I paused, which is what I always do when I doubt.
When in doubt, wait it out! Musta learned that one in Marine Corps leadership school. Or it could have to do with power tools!
Then I thought, Love is hard to give because most people have such a hard time accepting love, especially from a throwback such as MY-Self.
Then . . . just like in junior high skol, I thought, Perhaps, IF I were one of the popular ones, or one of the dainty ones, or one of the Other ones, giving love would be easy for me too, and maybe, just maybe, people would love me too, Doggonnit.
Then I read the posts here and I saw that a great many people just have trouble accepting love no matter where it comes from. Does that mean that Gaia is the "Real World," or that Gaia is just like junior high skol?
Or maybe . . . the whole World WE got now is just like junior high skol?
Access: Public
Gah. I read that first sentence and my jaw dropped. If you have a hard time giving love than I don’t know what that makes me. Either that or you do a good job overcoming your handicap. Sheesh. :)
But it’s beautiful how you’ve found the truth in both! I think you’re right, people do struggle with receiving such abundance. (What about you? Do you know how loved you are? Hm?)
Gaia Junior High. That’s got a nice ring to it, don’t you think? We’d have the best pep rallies ever.
You really are the Dawgg’s bone, Siona. I love you sooo much. I do not know how you find the time, but you always manage to make me laugh, or set me on the road to healing, or just peek through the veil with a BIG smile. Thankx.
Pep rallies indeed! You probably thrived in the cafeteria at junior high, but for some of us, junior high was a challenge. I love it that you are always so positive though. It gives me hope for future junior high skol kids.
On the real side: I know how loved I am about 70% of the time. I know that is barely a passing score, but I also know that I only just found the secret key to the loving test about fifteen years ago. Before that time, I would have had to honestly answer about 10% of the time, which is failing miserably. Which is why I think that so many people, particularly those who judge Others and THEM-Selvesconfuse not knowing with not trying, or caring.
There was a time when I did not know. There was never a time when I didn’t try, or care. And there never was a time when I quit. At least not yet.
Aw. I actually went to a Middle School, not a Junior High, and ‘popular’ was not exactly the word I’d use to describe my standing there; I’d been homeschooled up until that point and us poor backwoods kids weren’t exactly welcomed with open arms into the rest of the teen crowd. The buck teeth and knock-knees and freckles didn’t help much either. ;)
But I survived! (Another idea–Gaia Survivor!)
I’m so glad you’ve done the work in (re?)opening your heart. People who are open and available are so much more wonderful to be around. And 70%, in this world, is pretty freakin’ amazing.
Siona, you humble me, You Poor Backwoods Kid! Skinny legs and all.
Sending you BIG smiles. Anytime you need me, I’ll be there! Gratitude is the second hardest bond. I think the survivor joint is a good idea. Sensitivity, but no wallowing, ignoring, or whining and I’ll help! Okay?
Been working hard to think on a serious note about this middle skol-thing.
I’m not happy that you had trouble in middle school, but I do see you as someone that I have more in common with, for sharing. Sometimes, I make class-distinctions in my head and project them onto Others, sometimes even nice freckle-faced little girls: Don’t take that gender-thing personal – all my cousins male and female got freckles and about an equal amount got red hair.
While I do not feel that I owe you an apology: My original remarks were not aimed at you, or anyone else. My original remark was aimed at junior high cafeterias, teenaged hormonal tensions, and the actual class battles that go on in most of OUR skols: Think Columbine here.
But even though I do not feel that I owe you an apology, I was walking around, actually laying under some wet floors, thinking whether, or not, I hurt you, or damaged OUR growing friendship in any way.
I do not want to stress this little BUD that is growing between us; because some day, when WE are old friends, you won’t actually be old, but you know what I mean. Some day, in the future, when OUR bond is permanent, deep, and strong, I want to remember that in the beginning WE were just like everyone else: WE fumbled, struggled, and misunderstood. That sort of memory makes it easy to encourage Others in a conscientious Way to keep working hard, and long, to make friends even with disparate groups because in the end it will work: Not that you and I are necessarily so disparate.
The more WE go on, the more I discover that WE are very much alike, which no one in their right mind could imagine from just looking at US.
This quote, “the startling beauty of unique subjectivities” from your profile page helps me to keep working to include Others, even those I might think odd, or at least “not like me.” It helped me to feel comfortable with making this post, which was difficult for me.
As you say, Siona, WE are “unique subjectivities:” each and every one of US.
Being unique and subjective gives US, a “startling beauty” and seeing the uniqueness of Others, which you see so clearly, and with such generosity, compassion and love, makes you startlingly beautiful. Your generosity and compassion, also gives me permission to take risks without worrying about rejection. You have a willingness to question, rather than to assume, which is the beginning of all conflict resolution; I got that too.
Though you may not be all that unique, Barefoot Grrrl! I love you anyway!
Have a smashing day, today, Siona. Remember that we’re all in this together and that a great many people love US – and OUR struggle.
Barefoot girl! You’ve just guaranteed that my day be a smashing one. Thank you. :)
But yes, I’d not want to re-live my Middle School days for the world. Kids can be cruel. At the same time, I gained such lessons from those years and so I also wouldn’t wish that they’d been smoother. Those crucibles make us who we are.
Hugs to you too, my fellow questioner. :)